July 31st, 1999. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 8 months pregnant & it was about 1 a.m.
My mother was sleeping in the next room. The man that I thought I was in love with came over after a night of drinking.
I felt that something was about to happen, but I didn't know what. Then I found out. He wanted me to do things I was not willing to do & I would not comply.
And so he raped me.
So many things went through my head at the time. Should I scream? If I fought him would he hurt my baby? Would he get angry & never come back if I resisted?
He knew that he was hurting me, but he would not stop. He didn't care. I couldn't risk the chance of losing my baby. So I kept quiet & just waited until it was over.
He went to sleep right away - as though nothing had ever happened. But I was left feeling confused, used & dirty. I didn't get much sleep that night.
The next time he came back & I said "no", he came so angry & violent that I feared for the life of my unborn child. I learned to stop resisting & just let him do whatever he wanted.
It was as though I wasn't human, like I only existed for him to have his needs met. I felt like I was nothing. He owned me & there was no way to escape. I was trapped.
Before I met him, I had attempted to commit suicide on several occasions. I had zero self esteem & felt that not even God could love me. So I looked to men for the affection that I so desperately needed.
He made it clear from the beginning that he had no feelings for me, but I held on in hopes that he would change his mind. He never did.
After my baby was born, I found out that he had been cheating on me. I started self harming again & thoughts of suicide returned. But there was no way I was going to leave my baby alone in this world, so I went to see a psychiatrist & was put on medication. But I wasn't getting any better.
One day, 2 ladies came knocking at my door to talk about the Bible. Ordinarily, I would never open the door for them, but I figured I would hear them out since I had nothing to lose.
Those women told me about God, studied with me & gave me a Bible of my own. I learned that God loved me, & that I was valuable & created for a purpose. I wasn't placed on this earth just to suffer. The void had been filled.
I became a new person. I stopped self-harming, thoughts of suicide vanished & I finally had peace.
I saw that I didn't have to turn to men for love & acceptance. I was accepted by God & I didn't have to debase myself. I've been celibate for almost 12 years now & have been using this time to heal & to get to know God & myself better. And in His timing, He will send me someone to marry who will love me as Christ does & will appreciate my value.
As for the young man, he ran off with one of his women. I had to learn to forgive him for all he had done since God so freely forgave me for my sins. I tried to bring Him to Christ so that he would have the peace that I now had, but he was willing. It's my prayer that one day, he will come to know Him.
